Seeking Closure

I remember sitting at breakfast and the words were said. So calm and pointed. I sat in a fog wishing it would go away but the words lingered from your lips hanging in silence around us. I often think about that day and how, for me it was the beginning of an end I didn’t see on the horizon or even the map of life.

Is all I could mutter was “take me home I feel sick.” I never thought that would have happened let alone out of the blue. I knew that we had problems. I knew that things weren’t perfect. But I had never been ready to give up, until that day that moment. I had thought about it in the heat of an argument but it never went to the point of more than a short thought. There it was with no argument attached just as if you were stating what the weather was going to be like tomorrow.

During the drive home I didn’t even want to look at you. I could barely hear you say that you didn’t mean it. Why would you say something so hurtful that you didn’t mean? I asked you to leave because I didn’t know what else to do. How could I turn to you in that moment of hurt when you were the one that had hurt me more than I will ever be hurt again? I say this because I don’t think I will ever be able to let my guard down completely again.

The wheels were in motion to a rollercoaster I didn’t know how to stop or slow down. And I want to know, why? I asked you to try and you said no. I finally gave into to the reality that you didn’t want to try. Something had happened. Was I or it really that bad? I had tried everything that I could before that day. I sincerely gave you all that I had to give. I know that I will never be able to give that much again.

Then began the back and forth struggle. So many lies, most of which I don’t understand and probably never will. It was as if I was the flower and you were playing I love you I love you not with my petals. I continued to feel like I was being pulled around. I let in to the feelings of giving up. I had no more to give when there seemed to be no giving, trying or even a small attempt on your end.

Since then I have moved on and tried to get back to that person that I was without all the pain. I have tried to reason and be logical with myself. I have tried to forgive the blame that has been put on me unnecessarily. I can, have and will continue to take responsibility and blame for my part. I will always know my faults; the constant nagging, being so frugal, a homebody, and of course the most deadly holding back after that fated morning. I however can no longer hold on to that I solely am the only one that caused this, that I was responsible for the multiple attempts on your life, the strain to your employment, the smoking, the excessive drinking, and the multiple calls to the police and the many police reports. I can’t take responsibility for your actions only mine. I want to know this both in my heart and mind not just my mind.

I want to ask for forgiveness for the hurt and pain that I caused. I want to forgive myself for failing you but mostly for failing myself. I hope that someday time will lead to healing and one day I can realize that there is closure and forgiveness. I hope that one day my hurt will be healed and I will no longer wear this scar so close to the surface.