A Letter to Myself

Do you ever wish that you had a letter from your older self? If you did what would you say?

A Letter to Myself-

You will have many experiences in your life. Many happy, many sad, some unexpected, some painful, some surprising, remember that these experiences good and bad make you the person you are. We are all a conglomeration of our experiences and they shape the world that we see.

You will have an unexpected turn in your life and during this you will ask yourself many times “why?” You will question yourself and your worth. You will at times wonder if you will ever find joy. You will wonder why you choose paths that put you in the line of heartache. You will feel dead inside, question your faith, ask for forgiveness and wonder if you will ever feel whole. You will feel entirely to blame but not know what you could have done for a different outcome. Utterly alone. Although these feelings will dampen I’m not sure if they will ever go away. Some say time heals all, I don’t know that. I will let you know that to deal with the pain will get easier and the smiles will come with less effort. You can start to trick yourself. You will never be the same again, no longer living the fairytale. You can remember the good and search to find yourself again or at least a new you. Life will continue around you until you decide to join it. Once you decide to things will begin to heal.

Your greatest joy will lie where you least expect it. One of the unexpected and surprising turn of events you encounter. Don’t fear this change. You will find surprising ease and joy in this position that ends up being the most fulfilling in your life. This is where you find your most natural niche.

Let work be a way to earn and living not be your life. You will lose all of your earnings at one point and need to know that you can and will survive. It will be difficult since savings and security go hand in hand with you but remember you can make more. It will be harder and take more time due to having more responsibilities but life will continue. You will find security again only this time you will realize that the security you feel with a savings is only artificial.

Continue to live with no regrets but also make sure that your choices to carpe diem will not leave you feeling remorse. Be true to your own thoughts, feelings and actions.

Always look for the good in people the positive in all situations. Remember that you don’t know of the demons others have faced.

You are responsible only for yourself and your actions although another may blame you; you are not the one making their choices.

You will find the light at the end of each situation. Make it the best that it can be. Remain steady.

The best advice I can give you is to live a life you admire. Be in the moment, not in the future. Be present always. Take time to appreciate all and be grateful. Be thoughtful. Be compassionate. Trust yourself and your instincts. Be compromising. Know your value is great. Love yourself so that you can receive love. Be humble. Be joyful and positive.

Happy Anniversary

It has only been a short time and an interesting beginning.

Is this what it’s all about? Yes.

Happy Anniversary

Apples

This morning everyone, and I mean everyone, decided to get up at 4:45 am. Jeff was up because he is always up that early when he works, the little one woke up to eat and as I was feeding her I hear the little man “mama? Mama? MAMA?” knock knock. I tried to ignore this hoping he would go back to sleep.

Jeff came out to the family room and I could tell that the little man was not going to go back to sleep so up and out of his room he comes. Jeff goes to work and I am juggling the 2 little ones and trying to get ready myself. C goes into her swing B gets a snack and cartoon and I get to shower.

While I’m in the bathroom B is watching cartoons in the bedroom and I hear from the TV show “15 kinds of fruit du dun du” Nothing else is said that I can hear or remember.

Then I hear this little voice “Apple…I wove apple”

Then more of the song “15 kinds of fruit du dun du.”

B again “Where’d apples go?”

I came out to the bedroom to see this:

What is that singing, cheese with hair?

The small chuckle and unforgettable moment, for me, completely made up for me worrying about getting ready with everyone awake. And thank goodness for daycare because he is going to be ornery today. Hopefully he takes a good nap before being picked up.

I love you but...

I love my children I wouldn’t trade them. I think that they are wonderfully sweet. But there are also days like today where I miss the single non mom days. They are great kids don’t get me wrong. And if anything ever happened to them I would be crushed. I would go to great lengths to keep them safe happy healthy.

But there are mornings (like today) where it takes me twice as long to get them ready then myself. When I look around my house and wonder if I will ever not have to watch where I step due to a ball, golf club, or Lego being out. When I desperately need to get back to exercising not just for my body but for my spirit and don’t know when or how to find the time without cutting into my already limited sleep. When I wish that I felt like I had another me to help wipe the counters, read stories, give out hugs kisses and medicine, cook meals, get everyone fed including myself, do the dishes, laundry, and simply maintain the day to day household. When I wish that I felt like I didn’t need to hire help just to not see cat hair turn into hair balls rolling like tumble weeds across the floor, or see it as if it’s a thin blanket on top of the couch. Thank heavens that I haven’t had to worry about the lawn, but my poor car definitely needs some TLC. Then it turns into me being secretly jealous that my dear hubby can go hit balls and play 18 holes when I don’t feel like I get very many opportunities to take time for myself.

I think my younger self was more accurate about me being too selfish to be a good mama.

New tire $50.00, being independent PRICELESS!

Last night on the way home I got yet another flat tire. For those that know me…I have tire issues. I feel like I have had more flat tires and am way too comfortable with changing a tire on the fly for my age. I feel like I have changed enough for my lifetime not just for the short time I’ve been driving. I’ve done enough to last me until I’m 80!

So driving along and my car is pulling to one side. I can feel the wind, because we are experiencing some very strong winds, I pass the pulling to this fact. I turn a corner and my car is still pulling to the side. Pulling over to examine and I’m sure that I will find at least one flat tire. Walk around the back of the car. Yep, there she is.

Well I’m not getting any younger or getting home any sooner here staring at this flat tire dreading the fact I left early to get home early to do a haircut.

I get things set to change the tire. Jack in place, brakes on, in gear, spare out and full (nothing sucks more than having a flat and your spare being flat. Yes I’ve experienced that as well.) check, check and check. I start to take the nuts off of the tire.

Here is the picture I will paint for you.

Extremely windy, trunk open, 9 months pregnant, yes 9, standing on the wrench to loosen the nuts off of the tire. Then because one is on REALLY good I’m doing a small, and very unsafe, bounce maneuver on the bar to get it to loosen.

How funny will this be if I slip off of this bar and go into labor and not have my tire changed?

Finally success, I was able to finish changing my tire with only a small and frustrating jack issue. I went on to buy a new used tire and all is now well with the good old Honda.

From Two to The Teens

So our wonderful, blessing of a two year old is now a teenager. Our sweet, loving, smiley morning faced boy apparently didn’t want to get up this morning and was not afraid to let us know.

We have taken the front of his crib down, so now he is able to get in and out of bed on his own. He has had this for a week and doing very well. This morning at about 6:30 he started to cry. We looked at each other and Jeff said “early riser?” The crying continued. He said “sounds like he’s hurting.” I said either that or ornery.

Jeff goes into his room and the crying stops. He comes back out and tells me that his feet were caught up in the rails on the back of the bed that he had pulled them out and rubbed his head. Just as Jeff gets done telling me this and WACK. B had closed or should I say slammed his door shut.

We usually have his door shut at night so that B doesn’t have any extra friends, meaning the cats, sleep with him. This morning I’m guessing that the TV being on was a bit too loud for the teenager who wanted to sleep in so he got up slammed his door shut then went back to bed. I talked to Jeff an hour later and he told me that B did this the 2^nd time that Jeff went into his room and was actually trying to wake him up.

A Gray Matter

Let me first start out by saying that I would like to think of myself as a person that is not superficial. I do however realize that there are some things that hit the psyche slightly more than others. This is an experience of one of those.

Last night while taking out my eyes (contacts) before bed I was looking at my hair color. I’m going through some changes with my hair and about 6 months ago I realized that I don’t feel like I have the time to take out for myself to get my hair colored. This time issue along with the feeling of poorness due to childcare and diapers has led me down the path of choosing to no longer color my hair. This is a whopping savings of 2 hours and $50 additional dollars every 2-3 (ok who am I kidding more like 3-4) months. (This I realize now is not a huge savings on either end.) So I did one last color as close to my natural as possible and have only gotten cuts since. Due to no longer coloring my hair I examine it trying to tell myself that my natural ashy brown is still a nice color and the hints of red and a few gold accents are nice. I’m saying all of these things to myself. Then last night it comes …

See Ash you even have a few blondes. Wait. Wait just a minute. That is blonde…right?

NO! O.M.GEE! That is not a blonde hair! That is my first GRAY HAIR! I’m only in my early 30’s how do I have a gray hair?

So of course I do what any attached person would do and shared it with my significant other. “Honey, I have my first gray hair.”

“Um that’s not your first.” I hear from the room.

As I’m examining and debating on pulling it out. I see another. WHAT! TWO, two gray hairs! Then I’m on to looking at my part. Holy Hanna there is another. “3, I have 3 gray hairs.”

So how old am I now? And how can you have a kid on the way and gray hairs in your head.

I have come to terms with the wrinkles. I’ve led a good and happy life. The age spots, I’ve enjoyed the sun. The unpleasantness of loss of elasticity in my muscles, with age comes great wisdom and it’s now time for a younger person to take care of me. Gray hair? What can I say to feel good about grey hair?

Vacationing

We just got back from vacation and we had so much fun!

We decided to take a break from the cold and see mama and papa in Florida. Most would think of Orlando with the beaches, Disney, Epcot, and many tourists but this Florida trip was mostly country, only one day at the beach.

It was so great to visit with Mama and Papa. B was actually playing ball and coloring with Papa which was so great to see. He would blow kisses to them both and would run around talking to Bogie.

We were able to ride the 4-wheelers, learn to drive the tractor, and do a bit of front porch sittin.

B’s first time on a 4-wheeler was during this trip and even though you cant hardly tell with his facial expressions I think that he really enjoyed it. We found him climbing up on one when we were trying to leave for breakfast. Hey this kids no fool and knows what he likes.

The tractor was a treat for all of us. All 3 of us got to learn to ride it and B was even pushing mom and dad’s hands off the wheel because of course at almost 2 you already know how to drive. He watched Jerry across the street on his tractor and you could tell that he was thinking ‘wait you forgot me!’

The beach was great with some key lime pie, sand castle building, Frisbee throwing, sunning, and standing in the waves. Yes it was still a bit cold for me to get in any more than knee high.  I have a picture of B running up to grandpa with a huge hug in the water.

It was wonderful for me to see Jeff and B bonding because I don’t get to see that very much with our schedules. He is such a daddy’s boy and Jeff is such a wonderful father. I loved to see them looking out from the porch in the mornings, playing ball, running around, riding the 4-wheeler and tractor, playing in the sand at the beach, and saying hi Bogie hi duck. Some memories that I hope to never forget with time and aging.

One thing that I was glad to come home to…B having his own room and own bed. He either slept with us all night or ½ the night and I sure got to missing my alone time with Jeff and B is quite the bed hog.

Run Forest Run

For anyone who is thinking about, planning, training or running a race anytime soon read this article and try to run like a kid. And no I don’t mean arms flaying around like Phoebe on Friends.

http://www.ksl.com/?sid=23876743&nid=1010&title=5-ways-the-st-george-marathon-is-better-as-a-kid-than-an-adult&s_cid=queue-18

Get the word out.

I read this article and immediately had to post this.

I have lived a similar version of this with my ex with emails and phone calls. Many days I lived in fear based off of things that were said. Turning to the police I was told there was little I could do. I had to wait for him to threaten me and not just once but multiple times. What? How is someone knowing details that you don’t know how they could possibly know not be viewed as threatening?

Somehow I ended up being the one that had to change my life. Don’t answer your phone, don’t listen to the voicemails, change your phone number, change your work number, don’t answer his emails, and don’t respond to his letters, change your routine. Done, done, done, why am I the one that has to change my life because of his behavior? I pushed people away, lost friends and even myself.

This is VERY real and VERY scary! I hope that the laws change and that women (or men) do not have to be harmed before getting help. We all need to feel safe in our lives and when you experience this it will take a long time to get back to feeling secure. I know that I still look over my shoulder and question. And yes I do know the local police number by heart.

http://living.msn.com/life-inspired/tech-life/why-you-should-worry-about-online-stalking

Weight Lifted

I took a chance and no matter what happens now, I feel good about the situation.

A very long time ago I had a good girl friend at work. We had lunch together, we talked, and I felt like I could confide in her. I enjoyed being around her and was very interested in what she did day in and day out. I had expressed to her that I would be interested in learning what she did and we had talked about her teaching me so that I could back her up and if times they opened another position I could possibly get it with my additional experience. Well I had started to express to my manager that I would be interested in working in this position.

One day I went into this girl’s office, like I had done many times before, only to be met with a harsh comment. To her I was a “vulture.” Wounded hurt and upset, I listened to her apologized and turned and walked away. Even though we still work at the same place and have been in many meetings together our relationship never recovered. She never said anything to me, nor me to her, other than what was work necessary. Cordial to each other but definitely distant.

This has always bothered me for several reasons; I hurt someone I considered a friend, I hurt one of the very few girl friends that I have had, I didn’t know how to have prevented it, I didn’t know how to repair the relationship.

Today after looking across from her in a meeting I decided that I still very much wanted to have some type of repair and relationship with this woman. I did like her friendship very much while I had it. I would really enjoy having a girl friend again. (I only have family friends anymore.) That settles it, I thought, I will ask her if we can be friends.

After the end of the meeting I went into the ladies room and she was there. Perfect it is somewhat private so if she says no, no one will see me making a fool of myself.

Our conversation:

Me: Are you in a hurry to get to a meeting?

Her: No with a smile and stepping in from the doorway.

Me: I hope that this doesn’t sound too little girlish and I don’t really know how else to say this but can we be friends again?

Her: I didn’t know that you were concerned with that stuff.

We talked for a few short minutes and a HUGE weight is off of my chest. No matter what happens now whether we begin to talk more or if she teases me behind my back I feel at peace that I have attempted to make amends.

I still don’t know if I could have ever made her realize back then that I wanted to work with her and not replace her but I do feel better that I stepped up and was able to finally talk to her about it. I hope that I can continue with repairing lost friendships, forgiving, and letting go. I’m glad that I took a chance today.

1/3rd the way through

I am so glad that I can say that I am 1/3 of the way through my classes. This last class was on the fundamentals of economics and global business and my least favorite class. This next class is on economics and global business applications. I am not looking forward to it. But I’ve got to keep positive. It’s just another class. One more closer to my degree. One more closer to crossing it off the bucket list. One more closer to new doors and opportunities.

2/3^rd’s or 12 classes to go.

I am

Have you ever heard of I am statements? They are suppose to be inspiring things about yourself that you say to yourself to create positive energy and then you will become the “I am” that you are stating.

Watching TV a few weeks ago and I noticed that this individual (Twitch from So you think you can dance) has them tattooed on his arm. I am, I will, I deserve,

I am loyal.

I am kind.

I am a saver.

I am trusting. (I have to really put some energy into this one.)

I am beautiful.

I am strong.

I love doing this because it makes me feel so good saying them to myself.  I think that I want to incorporate some I deserves in there too.

I woke up this morning looked in the mirror and thought

Whose body is that starring back at me?

I do realize that as we age thing change, move, develop, sag, and sometimes ripple but whose body is that? Being pregnant does not help matters either.

I love my boobs love them being bigger. Women get them done to feel more womanly, sexy, and confident. I have had these thoughts before since as I have aged I seem to have the incredible shrinking boobies. High school I was a small C large B and now if I’m not pregnant I could buy a bra in the little girls section because I am barely an A. For those of you with more than me yes barely A is a cup size. I think that it is intended for a training bra but here I am wearing it. Long story longer being pregnant gives me these wonderfully sexy boobs that I love EXCEPT running, dancing, sleeping, golfing, among other things. Sorry they just seem to get in the way and now I want my little gals when I’m doing things and these beauties for clothes that fit better, and other times.

Other things that are now staring at me:

I have love handles! Yes love handles. How does that happen when you have a stomach sticking out?

I have cheese on my buttocks upper thigh area. Oh I miss the days of working my legs out to where I don’t want to sit because it hurts.

I have a stomach…a stomach that is more of a ledge when I’m laying down. Seriously! Normal size until my belly button then this magical lip onto a baby gut. And I look like I should be in the movie Alien when the parasite moves around. Pregnancy is WEIRD and labor is GROSS!! I don’t think its magical or beautiful.

My hips and knees look odd due to this phenomenon of motherhood. Hip are getting wider and my knees are now almost bending in. It looks really odd when I walk. Please see above note about this time in life being weird.

Where do these skin tags come from? I have had 1 for a long time now I have 3 WTH? I’m going to end up purchasing TagAway soon.

As I stare at this foreign body with my head I realize that I am both my mother and my father, thanks for those genes (yes this is sarcastic.), and yet neither I can blame for all of it.

I miss MY normal body.

As Seen On TV

I will admit I am a sucker for the television infomercials. I usually want to buy whatever I see. I do wait until long after the program has ended before I make up my mind if I want to purchase X item or not. Needless to say I have bought some pretty unique and sometimes crappy items from infomercials.

Jeff got a laugh at my latest CRAP purchase and we talked about how much fun it would be to have a “white elephant crap that you have bought” party. Just think of what people would bring.

Here is a short sampling of the TV items I have bought that may or may not work:

Nads

The FIRM

P90X

Acupuncture mat

Neck Basket (ok not really but I have considered other outlandish things.)

And drum roll please for the latest and greatest:

WaxVac

So what would you bring to exchange at the party?